Au-gust it's my turn 16: Looking Back, Looking Forward--a personal post

What an interesting day today was. Two years ago today (meaning the 3rd Saturday in August, not necessarily the 16th), I was in Colorado cheering on Kim Stevens as she ran the Ascent. (As an impressive side note, today, Allie McLaughlin, the tiny, crazy Air Academy runner I competed against in high school, won the women's division of the Ascent!) 

Looking back on that day two years ago, it was also an interesting day. Even though I was on my favorite mountain with one of my favorite people and I spent the rest of the day with Mom and Dad, I remember feeling unsettled, distant and weird. I thought it might be because I had recently gotten engaged and maybe sometimes engaged people feel that way. As I was about to talk to Mom and Dad about it, I got the call from Billy telling me that his dad had died that day. 

You guys, there aren't really words to say here. It was easily the worst day of my life up to that point. There were/are so many hard days after that. Some of the saddest, most heartbreaking images and experiences of my life took place in the next several days. There is no way to describe the heaviness that surrounds that event, and I even feel like I was kind of "once removed" from that tragedy, being the fiance of the child, and not the actual child. Still so hard. 

One year ago today-ish, Billy and I went with his family to release Carolina blue balloons at Billy's dad's grave. It was also an interesting event, but the kids were adorable and sincere and everyone was casually brave. I maintained my usual quiet manner that I learned to adopt in such times, but inside I was also maintaining a newly found pride in my ever-growing belly and constant happiness that I would soon be adding to this family that had become so dear to me. 

Crazy what can happen in life! 

Today me and Billy went to hang out with his mom, she without her husband, us without our child and all three of us looking back and looking forward. Oh, how many conversations about grief and loss and mourning and changes and mortality the three of us have had over the past two years! I love and admire Billy's mom so much and am amazed at the things we can kind of figure out together, even though we still have absolutely no idea what is going on or what exactly we should do to progress. She said today, as she has said before, that even though losing John was not pleasant or anything that she had asked for or ever wanted, she is grateful for the awareness she now has of everything and everyone. It's not pleasant, but we feel like we are more able to really mourn with those that mourn where before we may not have even known they were mourning. It's just crazy how the Lord's plan works, but I know that it is the Lord's plan! 

Looking back, it's crazy that it's been two years since Billy's dad died, and looking forward, we have no idea what is ahead of us. But I've got Billy and I sure am grateful that I also have a great relationship with Cynthia and above all else, we have the gospel. Ultimately, whether we are looking back or looking forward, we try and look as eternally as we can. Some days that helps, some days it's perfectly useless, but everyday it reminds us that we are not in control so we just need to submit to and trust in the Lord.